Down on my luck
Today has just been shit, honestly, it's been really shitty. I apologise in advance to anyone reading this if this entry turns out to be a really depressing, ranting, venting entry. It probably will be.
I think it's all just got on top of me how much I so badly want to do so much and I don't know how to do it. I've said it before - I want to lead an extraordinary life, not just an ordinary one. I want to be a success, I want people to know my name, I want them to write about me in The Bulletin and The Australian...I want it all. Well, maybe not it all, as that could be a little selfish to ask for, but I just want to be a success. But I don't know how to get there. I don't even know where to start and I think that is what's getting me down, especially tonight.
Mum and Dad announced tonight that they're definitely going on that cruise. Probably in August. And Kyle is still definitely going to Europe, probably won't be home for Christmas next year. And I was listening to all this at the dinner table and Mum was like 'What's wrong? You want to go on a holiday too?' and I nearly exploded. Like isn't it obvious? Everyone wants to go on a holiday. If you don't, you're not human.
So I am pretty down about just never getting opportunities. It feels like everybody else around me gets heaps of opportunities and is so lucky, and I never do. Maybe it's just that you need to go looking for them and maybe I don't do that (certainly not because I'm lazy or anything though, just because I don't know how).
No offence to everyone I know, but I just don't understand how everyone one else has the money to do so much and go to so many places and I don't. It just seems like everyone I know is going on holidays! Actually, it doesn't just seem like it, it IS happening! One friend is currently on the Gold Coast, one is going to Melbourne and Sydney, one is currently travelling the UK and Europe, my brother is going to Europe, my parents are going on a cruise to Sigapore and KL and places like that, another is going to Europe in October (Europe seems to be the flavour of the month), another has just come back from a trip away in South Australia and these are just the ones I can think of right now in the heat of the moment!
Like where the fuck do you get the money? (don't answer that by the way...this is just me venting). Like I think of my friends and they have jobs, but then some of them only have really casual jobs or seasonal jobs or some are even bloody unemployed (!) and they all wear great clothes and have plenty of them, great shoes, have a great haircut, own a car and go out all the time. I have only a few things that are really nice, same with shoes, you'll be lucky if I can afford to go to the hairdressers a couple of times a year, I don't own a car (still trying to save for that one) and I go out about 1/10th of the amount that my friends do. Where is the logic? I still have zero money and can't afford anything. I'm never going to get a car...M+D said tonight that I will have to pay for it all myself, and if they help out it will only be a little bit, and of course I'd have to pay it back. They said the paying back part as though that was the clincher in the deal. Like it was just too bad if I was struggling to save enough for a set of wheels. They had originially said they would pay half and I would pay half.
So, even though I wanted to have a car by the time uni goes back, I probably won't. I still need to save so much more and it's just not happening, honestly.
And now I so badly want to go on a holiday...seems like when holidays are discussed in this house they no longer include me. A family holiday includes Mum and Dad only. Although I will enjoy the solitude of having no one around when they do go. Peace and quiet....ahh :)
I just want to explore so bad you know? There are so many places I want to visit, but right now I'd settle for just one. JUST ONE. I actually wanted to go and have a bit of a cry when I left the dinner table, but I held back and refused to let myself get that upset about it all. So I haven't.
I'm thinking though that since I will never have enough money in any near future for a holiday, I'm going to set my sights on when I finish uni. It seems like such a long time away, and fuck me, it IS, but it's still a goal to have for myself. So I am thinking of setting up a bank account for 'after uni holiday' money. Maybe a dreamsaver one or something - one that I can't hack into. One where I just put money in and I can never get it out unless I front up in person saying 'I've booked a holiday, give me my money'. Then at the end of 2007 I can look into holidays (knowing me I probably already would've planned every minute of it already) and make my move. Finally. And I think with two years of saving I should aim for somewhere big. Europe doesn't interest me as much as NYC does, and that's where I wanna go. Manhattan is the place I have wanted to go to....forever. Since I read about it in Babysitters Club books for goodness sake! I've read heaps about it, I even have a map of it up on my wall - I want to go there.
I don't want to keep going on like a depressed person living in an asylum, but I need to get so many things off my chest. Yesterday I was trying to organise Australia Day and sms'd VG reminding her of our promise we made last Australia Day to go to the fore shore with lots of food and drink, our bathers and lots of board games and just sit there all day. She messaged back saying 'I've checked with Les and he's going to the fore shore so let's meet down there. Get HD and everyone too.' It took me til today to reply, cos I was so pissed off. In my message I hadn't actually said 'just you and me' cos I had thought that would be too obvious, and I thought my message was obvious enough already, but I guess I should've. So I messaged back with 'Oh nah don't worry then.' And you'd think that a message like that would be blazingly obvious that I didn't want to spend Australia Day as a third wheel with Les and all his loser friends. Especially when VG and I had said last year we would do the whole all day thing together, just us. But obviously VG is thicker than I already thought she was. She just didn't even get it! I got a message back saying 'OK then, but we'll definitely go and see Munich when it comes out ok?' and that was it. And HD is going to Dion's again this year which VG and I did that last year also, and it was good, but I don't really want to do it again this year. But I am pretty sure HD does, so...yeah. I think I might ask Ash what she's doing.
I know with this whole VG and Les thing I would probbably not be making such a big deal out of it if I actually had a boyfriend of my own, but the fact is I don't and I'm so desperately lonely which probably makes me even more ratty and prone to depressing posts on my blog. It just shitted me off that like she consults Les on what she will do for Australia Day. Like it's his decision. She's terrible for that though....she has always done it, as long as I've known her. It's like hello boyfriend, goodbye friend.
Sam is leaving next Saturday too :( I am so sad. Last Thursday was our last late night working together cos he hasn't worked this week on either Thursday or Saturday and won't work next Thursday either cos he's broken a bone in his foot and might not even be able to come in on the 28th! It sucks, I don't want him to leave - he's such a gem and I'll miss him. Thursday nights were always so fun cos I got to work with Sam. Now it won't be as much of a thing to look forward to...I'll only have my whinging partner Sarah to joke with, not the master of jokes - Sam. Sadness. The cafe won't be the same without him.
Oh! I had the most horrific dream the other night :( I was speaking to Nanna on the phone and she was in such a state, I think she was hallucinating or something and she was telling me such creepy stuff. She kept saying death was coming for her, and that she was staring death in the face as she sat in her bed and spoke on the phone to me. I was getting so stressed out and nobody would help me. They weren't even noticing how scared I was, and I was like yelling down the phone for her not to look and to shut her eyes and think positive thoughts. It was awful, and I hate having dreams like that cos I am always afraid they'll come true.
Oh well, after all this I think I'm going to go. No one is on msn darn it, and TVAus is down right now, so I think I might go back to watching the Daniela Hantuchova v Serena Williams match on tv. Go Daniela!
Listening to: (I've Had) The Time of My Life - Dirty Dancing Sydney Cast Recording
Loved: Jackie www.fuzzy-monkey.com
Support young people in their pursuits in leadership. Support Outward Bound Australia http://www.outwardbound.com.au
I think it's all just got on top of me how much I so badly want to do so much and I don't know how to do it. I've said it before - I want to lead an extraordinary life, not just an ordinary one. I want to be a success, I want people to know my name, I want them to write about me in The Bulletin and The Australian...I want it all. Well, maybe not it all, as that could be a little selfish to ask for, but I just want to be a success. But I don't know how to get there. I don't even know where to start and I think that is what's getting me down, especially tonight.
Mum and Dad announced tonight that they're definitely going on that cruise. Probably in August. And Kyle is still definitely going to Europe, probably won't be home for Christmas next year. And I was listening to all this at the dinner table and Mum was like 'What's wrong? You want to go on a holiday too?' and I nearly exploded. Like isn't it obvious? Everyone wants to go on a holiday. If you don't, you're not human.
So I am pretty down about just never getting opportunities. It feels like everybody else around me gets heaps of opportunities and is so lucky, and I never do. Maybe it's just that you need to go looking for them and maybe I don't do that (certainly not because I'm lazy or anything though, just because I don't know how).
No offence to everyone I know, but I just don't understand how everyone one else has the money to do so much and go to so many places and I don't. It just seems like everyone I know is going on holidays! Actually, it doesn't just seem like it, it IS happening! One friend is currently on the Gold Coast, one is going to Melbourne and Sydney, one is currently travelling the UK and Europe, my brother is going to Europe, my parents are going on a cruise to Sigapore and KL and places like that, another is going to Europe in October (Europe seems to be the flavour of the month), another has just come back from a trip away in South Australia and these are just the ones I can think of right now in the heat of the moment!
Like where the fuck do you get the money? (don't answer that by the way...this is just me venting). Like I think of my friends and they have jobs, but then some of them only have really casual jobs or seasonal jobs or some are even bloody unemployed (!) and they all wear great clothes and have plenty of them, great shoes, have a great haircut, own a car and go out all the time. I have only a few things that are really nice, same with shoes, you'll be lucky if I can afford to go to the hairdressers a couple of times a year, I don't own a car (still trying to save for that one) and I go out about 1/10th of the amount that my friends do. Where is the logic? I still have zero money and can't afford anything. I'm never going to get a car...M+D said tonight that I will have to pay for it all myself, and if they help out it will only be a little bit, and of course I'd have to pay it back. They said the paying back part as though that was the clincher in the deal. Like it was just too bad if I was struggling to save enough for a set of wheels. They had originially said they would pay half and I would pay half.
So, even though I wanted to have a car by the time uni goes back, I probably won't. I still need to save so much more and it's just not happening, honestly.
And now I so badly want to go on a holiday...seems like when holidays are discussed in this house they no longer include me. A family holiday includes Mum and Dad only. Although I will enjoy the solitude of having no one around when they do go. Peace and quiet....ahh :)
I just want to explore so bad you know? There are so many places I want to visit, but right now I'd settle for just one. JUST ONE. I actually wanted to go and have a bit of a cry when I left the dinner table, but I held back and refused to let myself get that upset about it all. So I haven't.
I'm thinking though that since I will never have enough money in any near future for a holiday, I'm going to set my sights on when I finish uni. It seems like such a long time away, and fuck me, it IS, but it's still a goal to have for myself. So I am thinking of setting up a bank account for 'after uni holiday' money. Maybe a dreamsaver one or something - one that I can't hack into. One where I just put money in and I can never get it out unless I front up in person saying 'I've booked a holiday, give me my money'. Then at the end of 2007 I can look into holidays (knowing me I probably already would've planned every minute of it already) and make my move. Finally. And I think with two years of saving I should aim for somewhere big. Europe doesn't interest me as much as NYC does, and that's where I wanna go. Manhattan is the place I have wanted to go to....forever. Since I read about it in Babysitters Club books for goodness sake! I've read heaps about it, I even have a map of it up on my wall - I want to go there.
I don't want to keep going on like a depressed person living in an asylum, but I need to get so many things off my chest. Yesterday I was trying to organise Australia Day and sms'd VG reminding her of our promise we made last Australia Day to go to the fore shore with lots of food and drink, our bathers and lots of board games and just sit there all day. She messaged back saying 'I've checked with Les and he's going to the fore shore so let's meet down there. Get HD and everyone too.' It took me til today to reply, cos I was so pissed off. In my message I hadn't actually said 'just you and me' cos I had thought that would be too obvious, and I thought my message was obvious enough already, but I guess I should've. So I messaged back with 'Oh nah don't worry then.' And you'd think that a message like that would be blazingly obvious that I didn't want to spend Australia Day as a third wheel with Les and all his loser friends. Especially when VG and I had said last year we would do the whole all day thing together, just us. But obviously VG is thicker than I already thought she was. She just didn't even get it! I got a message back saying 'OK then, but we'll definitely go and see Munich when it comes out ok?' and that was it. And HD is going to Dion's again this year which VG and I did that last year also, and it was good, but I don't really want to do it again this year. But I am pretty sure HD does, so...yeah. I think I might ask Ash what she's doing.
I know with this whole VG and Les thing I would probbably not be making such a big deal out of it if I actually had a boyfriend of my own, but the fact is I don't and I'm so desperately lonely which probably makes me even more ratty and prone to depressing posts on my blog. It just shitted me off that like she consults Les on what she will do for Australia Day. Like it's his decision. She's terrible for that though....she has always done it, as long as I've known her. It's like hello boyfriend, goodbye friend.
Sam is leaving next Saturday too :( I am so sad. Last Thursday was our last late night working together cos he hasn't worked this week on either Thursday or Saturday and won't work next Thursday either cos he's broken a bone in his foot and might not even be able to come in on the 28th! It sucks, I don't want him to leave - he's such a gem and I'll miss him. Thursday nights were always so fun cos I got to work with Sam. Now it won't be as much of a thing to look forward to...I'll only have my whinging partner Sarah to joke with, not the master of jokes - Sam. Sadness. The cafe won't be the same without him.
Oh! I had the most horrific dream the other night :( I was speaking to Nanna on the phone and she was in such a state, I think she was hallucinating or something and she was telling me such creepy stuff. She kept saying death was coming for her, and that she was staring death in the face as she sat in her bed and spoke on the phone to me. I was getting so stressed out and nobody would help me. They weren't even noticing how scared I was, and I was like yelling down the phone for her not to look and to shut her eyes and think positive thoughts. It was awful, and I hate having dreams like that cos I am always afraid they'll come true.
Oh well, after all this I think I'm going to go. No one is on msn darn it, and TVAus is down right now, so I think I might go back to watching the Daniela Hantuchova v Serena Williams match on tv. Go Daniela!
Listening to: (I've Had) The Time of My Life - Dirty Dancing Sydney Cast Recording
Loved: Jackie www.fuzzy-monkey.com
Support young people in their pursuits in leadership. Support Outward Bound Australia http://www.outwardbound.com.au
posted by Believe in the Impossible at
9:40 PM
1 Comments:
Ok I know you didn't really want repsonses but I'm going to respond..
Yea, I am going to Syd and Melb BUT...
- I'm going into my 5th year out of school... I've been on one other trip in that time to Hong Kong and I used freq. flyer points and took $1000 spending money...
- I didn't have to buy my car, it was given to me as a gift. I've had to pay for the upkeep (insurance, services, rego, etc.) but I didn't have to save and dish out that inital layout..
- I received a lot of ching for my 21st.
My savings tip for you - whatever you earn in a week - put 1/4 to 1/3 of it away into savings and learn to curb your other expenses... Bye bye magazines, bye bye bottled water, bye bye boost juice... :)
OMG OMG OMG THE 25TH ANNUAL PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEE is on when I'm there!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO GOING TO SEE IT!!!!!!! SCREW THE LION KING!!!! ARRRRGHHHH! :)
xoxo
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Anonymous, at 9:01 PM
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