Sometimes luck does turn around

I have had a shitty couple of weeks. Seriously, they have just been pretty darn crap. And I have had a particularly bad day today, and I didn't want to go to dancing tonight at all. All I wanted to do was sit on my bed and watch my favourite Blue Heelers episode of all time and devour a bar of chocolate and wallow in my own self pity.

But I never miss dancing. Even when I don't want to go, or I'm sick, or I'm tired, or I'm injured, I still go. But I really didn't want to go tonight. But I still went, because ...well, just because.

And I went in, and I was a bit late, and no one else was in the back room and I was slowly putting on my ballet shoes chanting 'I wish I was home I wish I was home I wish I was home' in my head repeatedly. And then AMc came out into the backroom too and she goes 'Hey where have you been? Teacher thought you were doing the classical and wondered where you were.' And I was like 'Me? Classical? She wanted me?' Very hard to believe.

This has been a problem for several concerts in a row now. Classicals just seem to be off limits to me. And the one time I did do one (and the senior classical at that...WTF I hear you all gasping) I was just bloody shocking, honestly. But it was the best year of my life. I sucked so bad at it, but I loved it so much. It was just being there, and being included, and it meant everything to me. No matter that at dress rehearsal I fell off pointe too many times to even mention here and looked awful in my tutu.

But this year the shine has come off dancing for me. For too many reasons to explain here, and all of which are too complicated. But I fear that I have fallen out of love with dancing, which scares the bejebus out of me, because for ages there dancing was my life. And all year long this year I have just been feeling worse and worse and been not wanting to go to dancing more and more (and if you had told me this 3 years ago that I would not want to go to dancing I would have laughed at you for a week for being so ridiculous) and all I have really wanted was for someone to reassure me, or slap me or do something anything to tell me that no, I'm really not as shit as I see myself as.

But then tonight I got to dancing late and they had already started the neo (that I am in) and AMc told me that teacher had been wondering where I was, cos she apparently had my name down to do the classical. And I was shocked. I hadn't really wanted to do a classical dance, or any dance, with my ballet class cos they are all like 15, and I am 20 and yet they all are 3 trazillion times better at dancing than me. Why put myself in a dance with them and just make myself feel worse?! I wasn't killing myself to be in that dance, let me assure you.

But then those thoughts all got pushed aside when I found out teacher actually wanted me in the dance. I didn't get to talk to her about it right then though. I wasn't going to go out of my way and get my hopes up for no reason at all. I have done this way too many times in the past, and I know how much it sucks to be let down. But then after hip hop (which was after ballet) teacher and I walked out into the carpark and she goes: 'So you're not doing the classical Larissa?' and I replied, much to my surprise, with everything I thought in my head but would never ever say out loud to anybody. It was all along the lines of 'Oh I didn't think you'd want me in it...blah blah blah...' and she just about fell over herself telling me that she did.

I wanted to cry. Seriously. I held it down until I got in the car, and then I screamed all the way down Gibberd Road. All year long I have needed her to tell me this, to tell me that I do actually have the talent to dance with everyone else, and I have been unhappy all year long because she never said it and everyday I got more and more down about it cos I just kept thinking that I wasn't good at dancing at all. I still know I'm not, but at least I can try to 'mix it with the best'.

People don't realise how much compliments and kind words can just make someone's day. This example has just about made my week actually. I was so down on my luck and in such a bad mood this afternoon, and then I went to dancing and it all changed. I danced and I felt good dancing again. Dance has always been able to lift me out of a bad mood, but this year it has failed to do that because I haven't been enjoying dancing as much as I used to. But tonight I finally got back to enjoying it again. It felt so great. I have really missed loving dancing.

So it sounds lame and cliched and all that stuff, but sometimes your luck does turn around. Sometimes people will surprise you, like teacher surprised me today. 'You've been in ballet all year, you know what the steps are when I say them' she said, nodding her head vigouressly. It was all it took to convince me. 'If you think I can...' She smiled. 'Of course you can.'

So I'm gonna do it.

YAY!