This is SHIT

These last two weeks of holidays weren't going too badly up until last Wednesday. That was the day I found out my best friend at work was leaving. Work will be so crap without her I considered two things - 1: Slapping some sense into her and making her stay and 2: Quitting myself.

Then, I realised that this was my last week of holidays. And I have done pretty much nothing with the six weeks I had off. Pathetic. And boring. I wasted my holidays, spent them writing mindless dribble that will never get published in a million years, sleeping in, watching far too many episodes of Blue Heelers, not exercising enough, not going out enough and not saving enough money.

Then, today came the bombshell. I informed my boss I was going back to uni next week, which he knew about. I said I hoped my going back didn't screw the work roster around. He huffed and puffed quietly and said it hadn't really because he was getting a work experience girl to work until November. And then I asked if he'd put me down to work on any of my new days off. And he said NO. So now I am stuck with just 8 measeley hours of work a week, of which will barely earn me $140. One hundred and forty freaking dollars - to pay $350 of rego, $260 of insurance, $200 of dancing term fees, $50 of material and dance costume making...all due within the next two weeks.

I am crushed. I want to have a good cry and feel sorry for myself on all my badluck right now, but I'm not. I'm just trying to find a second job. The light is looking pretty dim right now with what I have tried so far. Still, I am keeping my fingers crossed for a few other avenues I can explore tomorrow. I'm super bummed though still. I hate finding a job. It's hard. And I have never got a job through like...answering an ad in the paper before. I have always got my jobs through people I know, or by pure chance. And I think I've exhausted all those opportunities. Damn it.

I don't want to leave the cafe. I love it there (apart from today...I barely said a word I was so pissed off) and love the people there, and even though my best friend is leaving, I think I could survive still working there without her. But 8 hours I cannot live on. 8 hours a week! I would become a huge slob...and spend the days I'm not at uni sleeping and not doing homework. Of course, not working much would give me ample time to be a star student and do all my homework and never leave assignments until the night before, but I wouldn't be like that. I'd just slack off on those two days I think.

I was so sure my boss would shuffle the roster slightly and swap one of the girls into my Wednesday and let me have their old working day, so that at least I would have about 13 hours of work a week. He has always been great like that before, knowing I had uni commitments and working around my timetable nicely. But he didn't today. I think it's because the roster has been the same way for a while now, and works well like it is, and also because now that I am 20 he must pay me more, therefore is reluctant to give me extra hours. He reduces them instead. I'm so disappointed, but why would you give shifts to a 20 year old you have to pay $17 an hour when you can get a 15 year old student on work experience who will do it for free? There is logic there, somewhere, I just don't want to see it.

And then tonight at ballet, I had to stand at the beginning of the barre and CS was like standing right beside me practically, watching me, and of course I screwed up. It's not like I copy off the person in front of m,e all the time - I do not rely on copying others to remember barre exercises (hello I've been doing this same retarded class since 2002, I could freaking do these exercises with my eyes closed) - but I think I fretted a bit being at the front of the barre with no one in front of me to see. And I screwed up the tendu exercise majorly and I was so embarrassed. CS came and stood right in fromt of me, facing me full on, for the rest of the exercise and did it along with me to make sure I got it right. I wanted to cry. It sucked. and then we did pointe and as always that sucked too. Everything just sucks right now. Bah.

And I'm thinking of giving up hip hop. It will save me a lot on fees. Even though I don't want to. If I find a job tomorrow, then sure, I will keep doing hip hop, because then I would be able to afford it easy. I can still pull out of hip hop, because even though we've started our concert dance, we haven't got positions yet, so I wouldn't be screwing up pattern plans if I stopped the class. I don't know yet though if I will. Maybe. Depends on how I go trying to find another job. I even considered giving up ballet tonight, to save even more money that I don't have. I was in a terrible enough mood tonight to actually consider it, but then I remembered how much I live for ballet and how much I love everything about it and how weird it would feel to only go to dancing one night a week. So I'm not giving up ballet. I'm not that desperate yet.

So...sympathy please. I need a hug :o(